Goal

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Goal; Riss should like this one :D
Topic Started: Oct 29 2009, 02:13 PM (117 Views)
Ben Zwycky	Oct 29 2009, 02:13 PM Post #1
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	Goal A sweeping move that threads a path Through organised defence, Exposing pearl-white gates to our Most hostile of intents. Trained muscles work in harmony, Team members' minds are read; Anticipating well-timed runs To keep a step ahead. A bluff, a feint, a change of gear Opens up a space. A deft through ball is trapped and turned Then fired with fluid grace. The guardian's taloned outstretched arm And great despairing dive Deflects the roaring sphere behind To keep their hopes alive. Launched back into the field of play With fearsome, hissing swerve; A hunter lurks behind the crowd With steely eye and nerve. He leaps and makes full contact true Momentum steered and upped; He finds his spot, the net balloons, The crowd with joy erupts. Edited by Ben Zwycky, Dec 1 2009, 08:52 PM.



la-vida-loca	Oct 31 2009, 12:52 PM Post #2
Låt den rätte komma in Posts: 2,017 Group: Elite Members Member #13 Joined: December 3, 2007	bahaha i love it! xD awesome job, ben, i especially love the rhyming on this one. ^_^



Catzabode	Nov 28 2009, 07:06 PM Post #3
Posts: 3 Group: Members Member #73 Joined: July 9, 2009	I had to read it a couple of times to get the full effect. "organised defence" threw me as when I think of organised I immediately think of a sock drawer/more than one. But this poem is more about one on one against the goalie and a team is rarely mentioned. Can you be organised if you are reactive to what is fired into the goal? Just a thought although I do like the phrase, I am not sure it fits at the beginning. Love the "a sweeping move that threads a path" which makes me think of the ball weaving on a magical path through and into a goal - perhaps you should continue on that "thread" idea and reference the "eye" of a needle or flight-path or something along those lines to continue the thought more smoothly. "a change of gear opens up a space" - excellent! love that phrase! "fluid grace" - see, you are on a "fluid" or smooth motion through things genre, I say keep that "thread" throughout in your wording I was confused by "behind and safe from harm" because I thought you had made the goal at first; you aren't trying to harm the ball - you are trying to get it in the goal, and if it is "behind" the goalie, I figured it was in the goal - like it had zipped around him or under an arm or something. You may want to re-word this area to make it more apparent it didn't go "into" the goal but rather was stopped "within the realm of the goalie" or somewhere within his zone and not where you wanted it. liked "taloned outstretched arm" I liked the last two but I didn't like "drifts" - he isn't just hanging out nowhere or going somewhere without purpose and I didn't think it did the mysterious goal-getter justice to "drift" when he was obviously hiding with a purpose, or obscured and watchful or something along those lines - maybe you should focus it more for "him". Just my opinions and like noses we all got em. ~ catzabode
Posts: 3 Group: Members Member #73 Joined: July 9, 2009


Ben Zwycky	Nov 30 2009, 08:15 PM Post #4
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	OK, made a couple of changes to deal with some of the issues you mentioned. How's that?



Ben Zwycky	Dec 1 2009, 08:52 PM Post #5
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	I changed lurks to glides in the second last verse, then changed my mind and changed it back


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