Love Against the World

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Love Against the World; A 'meaningless' work, until you decide.
Topic Started: Sep 1 2009, 12:26 PM (56 Views)
Cezille07	Sep 1 2009, 12:26 PM Post #1
L'addict de Monster Allergy Posts: 38 Group: Members Member #81 Joined: July 23, 2009	Love Against The World The day our voices color the sky, The day false truths give up and die, Our words be painted overhead And ring as time lies still and dead. The spice of freshest wounds uplift Each grinning soul to taste its gift. No foot unstopped to let the rain Mark pale defeat to boundless gain. Tin bells and brass-made trumpets chime, Their whispered scream, but sweet as lime, Too low to try, too high to reach, The fading suns too great to teach. Hell’s outstretched hand will blister gold; Your skin, than water, soft and cold; Eyes of abyss-deep secrets bore; Your silken touch too pure and more. Your majesty so great, I blink, Why here? Why now? Why can’t I think? Us two against ten waterfalls, Night blinds the soul. I can but crawl, Or lie in sand, in your embrace; You’ll take my hand, I’ll touch your face. Too lost in love’s most pow’rful bliss, No thought of war shall yet exist. --------------------------- Comments? Reviews? Thanks for reading my poem! =)



la-vida-loca	Sep 6 2009, 03:01 PM Post #2
Låt den rätte komma in Posts: 2,017 Group: Elite Members Member #13 Joined: December 3, 2007	if you had scrapped this i would have had to murder you, this is absolutely AMAZING! the rhyming is perfect and the entire story/meaning behind it (the one you claim to not be there) is absolutely exquisite!!! i can't believe you didn't think this was good. i just can't fathom... absolutely astounding. Edited by la-vida-loca, Sep 6 2009, 03:02 PM.



Ben Zwycky	Sep 6 2009, 07:11 PM Post #3
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	Very nice work, I wouldn't say it was meaningless at all, the beginning and end are very good and meaningful (all things being revealed and restored to perfection at the end of time, with evil and suffering defeated, (meeting God in person or your true love in glorified form?) and love surviving through it all) with good pairs of lines spread out in the verses in between, interspersed with others that are disjointed in meaning but sound beautiful, basically it's only the Quote: Too low to try, too high to reach, The fading suns too great to teach. and Quote: Us two against ten waterfalls, Night blinds the soul. I can but crawl, that don't fit, maybe we could come up with something to improve those and you'll have a great piece. The first pair seems to be independent of anything else in the poem, so that'll be easiest to replace, the second ties in with the following lines so we'll be a little more restricted in what we can do there. I was also thinking that you could adjust Quote: No foot unstopped to let the rain Mark pale defeat to boundless gain. to No foot unstopped to let the rain Wash pale defeat with boundless gain. to be more in line with what rain does (or a healing rain), instead of highlighting the flaws dirt, it washes them away, so the line now expresses our minor troubles in this life being forgotten when we see the amazing things that await us in the next, which is not too far from what it says now.



Cezille07	Sep 11 2009, 01:14 AM Post #4
L'addict de Monster Allergy Posts: 38 Group: Members Member #81 Joined: July 23, 2009	Thanks to both of you! Wow. (This inspires me to not give up on my poetry... Hmm, I will post again...soon. )



Ben Zwycky	Sep 16 2009, 09:44 AM Post #5
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	OK, I have some possible alternatives for the two sections, keeping the same rhyming and rhythm, while expanding the themes I identified previously: instead of Quote: Too low to try, too high to reach, The fading suns too great to teach. you could have Thoughts turn to those now out of reach Unwilling hearts too hard to teach and instead of Quote: Us two against ten waterfalls, Night blinds the soul. I can but crawl, Then as the weight of glory falls My strength gives way; I can but crawl You don't have to use them if they go beyond what you'd want to put in, they're just suggestions, if you have any other thoughts you'd like to include instead then we can look at ways to fit them in. English is an awesomely flexible language like that



Cezille07	Sep 16 2009, 03:06 PM Post #6
L'addict de Monster Allergy Posts: 38 Group: Members Member #81 Joined: July 23, 2009	Agree. Thanks for the suggestions!


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