A Place Called Home

We hope you enjoy your visit.

You're currently viewing our forum as a guest. This means you are limited to certain areas of the board and there are some features you can't use. If you join our community, you'll be able to access member-only sections, and use many member-only features such as customizing your profile, sending personal messages, and voting in polls. Registration is simple, fast, and completely free.

Join our community!

If you're already a member please log in to your account to access all of our features:

A Place Called Home
Topic Started: Jul 10 2009, 01:46 AM (69 Views)
Esaul	Jul 10 2009, 01:46 AM Post #1
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	People say home is where your heart is. It's that one place where you can kick back, relax, and watch a good show, read a good book, or laugh a good laugh. You can feel safe. You can feel comfortable. You can feel...at home. But everybody's heart doesn't beat the same. My heart, it doesn't feel like home. My heart feels like a stranger in this vessel that I call my body. It's trying to escape, trying to break free from my chest, to try and find its way back home. I miss that feeling, I miss the laughter and the happiness. I have never felt so cold. So alone. So...empty. I hate to admit it to myself let alone to others. I hate thinking that I rather live with my dad. My mom, she never did so good on her own, and I don't want to abandon her at all. I love her more than anything in this world. I couldn't bear leaving her. But I don't think I was ever meant to live with her. My dad, he raised me and my brothers on his own for such a long time. Yes, we fought, constantly, but that has never gotten me to stop loving him. That has never stopped me from caring so much about him. The man is my father. He's been there for me. He has always offered to be there, to talk to if I ever felt the need to. Thinking back on it now, I wish I took advantage of that, to take him on that offer. To sit down and talk. I don't know why I never did. I don't know why I never opened up to him. He was just...always there. I never thought that it bothered me this much. I never thought I would spend five minutes crying over something that happened a year or so ago. I never thought I would spend the most time I have thinking back on it. My father has always been there, to believe in me, to encourage me to keep going in life, and not to let it take me down. And yet, I bet from his perspective, at times I was a complete stranger. I never went to him when something was bothering me. The only time he found out something was wrong was when we fought. And I hated that more than anything. It continues to tear me a part knowing things got as bad as they did. It tore him a part too, knowing that father and son could ever get like that. I never meant for it to get that far. And I know he didn't either. We didn't want to be like that. But we just couldn't live together, risking all those fights, with someone getting seriously hurt. And we couldn't scare my step sisters or risk exposing my baby half brother to that. I just wish more than anything that I could go back in time, go back and find the root of the problem, and make it so it never happened. I miss my dad. I miss him more than anything. I haven't cried this much over it at all, because I thought I would be fine. I thought I could handle being with my mom. But I can't. I love her dearly, but it's just not the same. There they are, Kim, Dad, Tyler, Pat, Isabelle, Chloe, and Landen, all living under the same roof. I'm missing out on Isabelle's first day of school, Landen walking for the first time, his first time saying hi. I'm missing out on Pat's baseball games, on Tyler...just being Tyler. And I'm just so torn a part by it. Today my therapist had asked me what's one thing I like about my family. I couldn't answer. I didn't have anything to say. I felt so bad, but there was nothign that stuck out in my mind. And then he asked what's one thing that I hated about my family. And almost instantly I had said the fighting. After that he had asked if he was a genie and I could have just one wish, what would I wish for. I simply stated that I wish I could go back in time, and make it so me and my dad never fought. Then I would be there with him right now. I wouldn't be in this current state. I wouldn't be crying for the past fifteen minutes over it. I don't know what to do right now. I tried calling my grandparents, my grandpi and mimi who live in Florida, and I only got their voicemail. And then I sent a message on myspace to my cousin, hoping to get some help or something from her. I just feel so empty, so broken, so useless. I love my dad so much. More than words can describe. And it's tearing me a part knowing that we ever got that way. My cousin was able to reply to my message on myspace. And I was typing a response and I really thought about it. There was this one thing I really liked about my family, and that was back when I was in second or third grade. My dad, my brothers, and myself, we would all go outside with our gloves and throw a baseball around. That's the earliest memory I have of us, acting like a family. Ever since then, we would all get up in the morning, my dad would go to work, the three of us would get ready for school. When we all got home, we would go our own separate ways and do our own separate things. Dinner was the only time we'd sit down as a family. But we never talked about our days, our ups and our downs. We just ate, and again went our own separate ways. I guess if I had another wish, I'd wish that we were closer, that we were more of a family.



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 02:04 AM Post #2
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	My dad was never around when I was growing up... He missed out on so much of my life.. and I was sencond best to the addiction... You may think Arguing with your father was terrible, but what if your father didn't show any emotion towards you at all? Familys can be diffucult, but no matter what happends you always know they will continue to love you. I'm sorry about your father... try to work things out with him... Open up to him and tell him how much he truly means to you and how much you want him back in your life... Take the oppurtunity when it presents its self. Living with regret is a terrible punishment..



Esaul	Jul 10 2009, 02:06 AM Post #3
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	I was going to write him a letter. But I never got around to it.



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 02:08 AM Post #4
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	There's always right now... Why wait any longer..



Esaul	Jul 10 2009, 02:10 AM Post #5
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	I don't know to be honest.



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 02:11 AM Post #6
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	Then write him the letter =)



Esaul	Jul 10 2009, 02:24 AM Post #7
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	I don't know at the moment. I'm thinking about it.



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 02:43 AM Post #8
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	That's good at least your considering it =)



Esaul	Jul 10 2009, 02:44 AM Post #9
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	Doesn't mean I'm going to go through with it >_<



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 06:33 PM Post #10
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	I think writing him a letter would show how much you care about him. Also I think it would mean alot to him as well as you. You should really consider it, but if not then do what you are confortable with. I know opening up with people even someone as your dad can be diffucult for people.



la-vida-loca	Jul 10 2009, 07:36 PM Post #11
L�t den r�tte komma in Posts: 2,017 Group: Elite Members Member #13 Joined: December 3, 2007	i agree with KandyceJane, Esaul. the only way to patch things up is to get everything out there. no relationship can be a healthy one with things swept under the rug. :/ so get that letter out there. or show him this. either one will get your point across.



Ben Zwycky	Jul 11 2009, 07:56 AM Post #12
Fearsome Fleet Leader :D Posts: 541 Group: Admin Member #4 Joined: November 29, 2007	An important first step is to forgive your dad for the times he hurt you, and let him know that and ask him to forgive you for your part in the fights you had and your contribution to the family's problems. There's no dad in the world who would resent a letter like that.



Esaul	Jul 12 2009, 08:19 AM Post #13
Administrator Posts: 958 Group: Admin Member #1 Joined: November 15, 2007	Right now, I don't know. Too much is going on in my head.


« Previous Topic · Short Stories · Next Topic »