Drunk

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Drunk
Topic Started: Jul 2 2009, 09:24 AM (59 Views)
Jaeh_Is_Awesome	Jul 2 2009, 09:24 AM Post #1
Rogue Squadron Fan Posts: 151 Group: Members Member #6 Joined: November 29, 2007	Seriously. I have no idea where this is going. So I'm naming it ambiguously. Disclaimer- I don't own the drunk guy. Seriously though - NO DISCLAIMER - its original! xD ...inspired by the drunk guy hanging around tatlong hari street here in lagro (basically in a street around my neighborhood) - seriously, someone ought to do something about him... ----------- Drunk I found him. Drunk to his eyeballs - and his liver and kidneys, most probably. Lying on one side in the street - miraculously not getting hit by anything - murmuring to himself. Drifting in and out, more like falling in and out, of... stupor, I guess, would be appropriate. He was pissing out of his shorts - yes, pissing, in front of the whole world... Thank God his zipper wasn't open. It was scary in a way. I mean, he's a drunk. Who knew what he could – and would do to you? Disgusting too – like chewed gum under your seat. You wanted to remove it – him, but you can’t, it was just too gross. Who would want to touch him? And yet, you find him very pitiful - you know you want to help, but you don't know how. He rolled over to his side, rolling in his wee, murmuring, still clutching the bottle of brandy... or whiskey... I shook my head. Still, I couldn’t help but wonder: what went wrong? I had learned – certainly not from my experience – that people drink mostly for two reasons: to chase away the pain (that came back anyway, after the chemical subsides), or because they were already addicted to the stuff and can’t kick off the habit. I wondered under which category he fell in. Probably both. I wanted to help. Really, I did. But how? How do you help something – or someone – you don’t even understand? It is like math – weird simile, I know – but in math, you can’t very well help someone with a problem if you don’t even know how it could be solved, right? Basically, like everything else. And so I wanted to help do a problem I could not solve. I wanted to help someone who I didn’t even want to touch. Someone who I was afraid to touch. And yet I did not. He… disgusted me. He looked like, well, crap would be appropriate, and probably smelled like it, too. It was a good thing the wind did not blow hard that close to the ground. The drunk man disgusted me. It was kind of disconcerting to think about, I guess – I mean, I wanted to help a man who I thought was disgusting? That does not compute. A computer would have blown by now. I just grew more confused. And so I did what anyone curious enough would probably do: I stared. Stared and stared and stared – of course, it did not last longer than maybe twenty seconds, but that was not the point. I still stared. I stared at the freak show, the crazy in front of me, like an orderly at loss to what to do to his patient – although he was not my patient. I found him disgusting, and yet I want to help him. And still I could do nothing. It kind of made me feel helpless. I could not do anything. Even for a random stranger. For one fleeting moment, I felt useless. Like a doctor with Alzheimer’s. Or a philanthropist with nothing to give. Ineffective. Unhelpful. Stupid. I shrugged it all off, inched away unconsciously, and headed towards my original direction. I seriously think the officials ought to do something about the guy... --------- REVIEW. please! Even if it sucks and is obviously not edited well!



la-vida-loca	Jul 3 2009, 12:20 AM Post #2
Corruption Abounds, Holla Homey!!! Posts: 1,709 Group: Elite Members Member #13 Joined: December 3, 2007	lol well it could use a bit of editing, but i really loved the comparison of the drunk to gum stuck on your seat. it was actually quite brilliant. a few comparisons could be worked on, lol, i but i got what you were saying. if you want me to name specifics, lemme know.



Jaeh_Is_Awesome	Jul 3 2009, 11:18 AM Post #3
Rogue Squadron Fan Posts: 151 Group: Members Member #6 Joined: November 29, 2007	point away, lol. I still have to edit that - honestly, that's just a random draft and I haven't edited it properly yet. but it would totally help me if you point away, lolz



la-vida-loca	Jul 5 2009, 10:27 PM Post #4
Corruption Abounds, Holla Homey!!! Posts: 1,709 Group: Elite Members Member #13 Joined: December 3, 2007	okie-dokie Jaeh, but you asked for it. so this will follow the order of appearance in the story, btw. anyway... --- Quote: Drunk to his eyeballs - and his liver and kidneys, most probably. -"most probably" i'm not sure whether it would actually be acceptable or not. i'd suggest changing it to either "presumably" or "most likely", but i suppose it's debatable... Quote: He was pissing out of his shorts - yes, pissing, in front of the whole world... Thank God his zipper wasn't open. -since you've done this with every other one, maybe instead of a comma after the second "pissing", use the dash again. also, the triple period should probably just be one, as it is a complete thought. i understand why you want the extended "three period" pause, but just one period would do sufficiently. -also, "out of his shorts" could be clarified as "through his shorts", as that's what i'm assuming you meant... Quote: Who knew what he could – and would do to you? -not sure about that dash. if you want punctuation there, try a comma, that might fit a bit better... Quote: Disgusting too – like chewed gum under your seat. -you're very dash-happy in this story, Jaeh. a comma would probably work better, but I can understand the dash... Quote: You wanted to remove it – him, but you can’t, it was just too gross. -since you're whole story is in the past tense, change "can't" to "couldn't" Quote: And yet, you find him very pitiful - you know you want to help, but you don't know how. -i understand why you're using all the "you"s, but this affects your tense again, as well as serves to make the reader confused as to whether the fic is in second or first person. try either putting all verbs in the past to match the rest of the story, and also i would recommend changing the "you"s to "I"s in this sentence, just to make it less confusing. in this sentence, you go from telling the person about the drunk from your point of view of what they would think of him to actually telling the person what they think, thus making the sentence second person, which doesn't fit into a first-person story. Quote: still clutching the bottle of brandy... or whiskey... I shook my head. -the second set of triple periods should probably be only one period, but it's debatable, i suppose. Quote: I had learned – certainly not from my experience – that people drink mostly for two reasons -you don't have to do this, it just might sound a bit more familiar to your audience if you add "own" after "my", so it'd be "certainly not from my own experience" Quote: (that came back anyway, after the chemical subsides) -"subsides" should be "subsided". Quote: or because they were already addicted to the stuff and can’t kick off the habit. -"can't" should be "couldn't", and you don't need the "off", but it's not taking anything away by being there, so...shrug Quote: How do you help something – or someone – you don’t even understand? It is like math – weird simile, I know – but in math, you can’t very well help someone with a problem if you don’t even know how it could be solved, right? Basically, like everything else. -this whole paragraph's a bit awkward. since the drunk is indeed a person, and therefore a someone, the whole "something-or someone-" isn't really needed, just saying "How do you help someone" would work just as well. either works. -the "-weird simile, I know-" is a weird interjection. it...affects the flow of the story, in a weird way. do you get what i'm saying? it's like a movie where you're watching and all of a sudden an actor turns and addresses the camera directly. it's just a bit strange. -"Basically, like everything else" really isn't needed. it doesn't really do anything for the story, but i suppose it isn't doing any real harm if you're attached to the phrase, lol. :P Quote: The drunk man disgusted me. -lol you already told us this in the first sentence of the paragraph. this sentence is tricky. on the one hand, it's redundant. you've already stated, less than twenty words before this sentence, that you were disgusted by the drunk man. but at the same time (and on the other hand), it transitions nicely into the next few sentences. personally, i think what would be best would be to get rid of the first "he...disgusted me" sentence. if you're not so fond of that idea, i'm not quite sure what else would work... Quote: That does not compute. A computer would have blown by now. -lol, well it actually does compute, Jaeh. it's compassion. and a computer wouldn't have blown, as computers tend to worry more about the logical than the philosophical. i understand what you're saying, but it's not un-computable. Quote: I just grew more confused. -this sentence doesn't really fit. :/ Quote: Stared and stared and stared – of course, it did not last longer than maybe twenty seconds, but that was not the point. -"stared and stared and stared" makes it seem like much, much longer than the said twenty seconds. they're really not needed, just saying "probably do: I stared, for maybe twenty seconds. I stared at the freak show...", as the "that's not the point. I still stared" would really not be needed, but it's up to you, lol. either works. Quote: – although he was not my patient. -that's a bit obvious after you say you felt "like" an orderly. you don't need to state the obvious. it's somewhat akin to hitting your audience over the head with a frying pan. Quote: I found him disgusting, and yet I want to help him. And still I could do nothing. -minor thing, but "But" might work better than "And" in the second sentence... Quote: Like a doctor with Alzheimer’s. Or a philanthropist with nothing to give. -not sure about the period after the doctor with Alzheimer's (is that a House reference, btw?). if there were ever a place for the triple period, i would say put it here, or a comma. usually "Or" doesn't start a sentence if the sentence is linked to the one before it. Quote: Like a doctor with Alzheimer’s. Or a philanthropist with nothing to give. Ineffective. Unhelpful. Stupid. -love the one-word sentences. very effective. Quote: I shrugged it all off, inched away unconsciously, and headed towards my original direction. -unsure about the use of "direction" in this sentence. grammatically it works fine, but it's not a phrase one hears everyday... Quote: I seriously think the officials ought to do something about the guy... -you change from past to present in this sentence, but i'm assuming that was on purpose. it works. --- so there you go! hope i wasn't too harsh at any point, my 'rents say i can come on a bit strong sometimes. >.<



Jaeh_Is_Awesome	Jul 6 2009, 03:05 PM Post #5
Rogue Squadron Fan Posts: 151 Group: Members Member #6 Joined: November 29, 2007	i need time to sift through all that - but thanks I'd post a new version whenever - i have to go to sleep first, lol. expect a new post soon! and thanks again lvl - I see most of your points (you know, what i have read so far, anyway, lol) and I know how to fix most of them, so yeah xD thanks again ^^



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 10 2009, 07:58 PM Post #6
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	(Not the best speller) (sorry) I really like this, but I have experience with alcoholics, and I can see your compassion towards others, but from what I have learned when it comes to alcoholics you can't help them unless they want to be helped. Being an Alcoholic is a disease. Just like cancer you wouldn't be disgusted at someone with cancer would you? I can fully understand why you would think he was disgusting, but you have to try to think a little deeper into the situation. Very good story tho. (Again sorry about the spelling and what not.)



Jaeh_Is_Awesome	Jul 16 2009, 02:00 AM Post #7
Rogue Squadron Fan Posts: 151 Group: Members Member #6 Joined: November 29, 2007	XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo Jul 10 2009, 07:58 PM (Not the best speller) (sorry) I really like this, but I have experience with alcoholics, and I can see your compassion towards others, but from what I have learned when it comes to alcoholics you can't help them unless they want to be helped. Being an Alcoholic is a disease. Just like cancer you wouldn't be disgusted at someone with cancer would you? I can fully understand why you would think he was disgusting, but you have to try to think a little deeper into the situation. Very good story tho. (Again sorry about the spelling and what not.) thanks ^^ I don't really know the guy. I just saw him when I was walking down the street... He wasn't someone I know - he was quite literally doing all that. I hope he has a family who could help him. And, I'll be posting the edited version soon. xD



XoXoKandyceJaneXoXo	Jul 18 2009, 03:49 PM Post #8
Posts: 41 Group: Members Member #74 Joined: July 10, 2009	Okay =) Good story tho =)


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